Nature Is A Bitch. Part 1

Nature is a bitch.
Don’t get me wrong, I love nature, but lately she’s been treating me like the unpopular kid at school and is thus refusing to have anything to do with me. What a bitch!
And like that unpopular kid, I can only bask in the glory of Nature without truly engaging enough to show her just how bloody awesome I really am, on account of the fact that, well you know, she’s a bitch.

It wasn’t always this way. Once Nature and I were best friends. I would spend countless hours frolicking gaily through the woods and singing a merry tune as birds, deer and other woodland creatures fed from the palms of my hands…Oh wait…no, that was Snow White…
I would however marvel at the wonderful assortment of earthly insects. This was before I became a lady after which, I would then scream loudly at the assortment of earthly insects. I would make gloriously long daisy chains and caress the bark on trees, though not sexually you understand. I may be single but I’m not desperate…yet, and generally just spend my time thinking how insignificant I was to all the things that surrounded me.

Once, my friends and I decided to meditate in a particular forest. It didn’t matter that that particular forest has a reputation for where one hides the bodies of the slain and the fallen and is also known as a murderer’s paradise. It was majestically beautiful, hidden away from the bustle of every day life and a quiet postscript to the world waiting outside. And it’s only now as I look back in naive innocence, reminiscing fondly on my past youth, that I can truly see what a bunch of pretentious twat-waffles we were to even think about frequenting such a place. Seriously, what a bunch of bloody morons!
Anyway, after the four of us had finished our mantras, swapped clothes (don’t ask!) and wondered why all the crickets and birds had suddenly gone quiet, we decided foolishly and like the fools in a horror movie where you’re begging them to be slaughtered painfully and gruesomely because of their foolishness, to explore the rest of the forest. And that’s when we came across the bouncy tree.

This tree was spectacular. Centuries old, it looked as if it had been standing there since the beginning of time. I can’t remember what type of tree it was, but it’s boughs were thick and long (resisting urge to make lewd and obvious comparison) and when pulled, would spring high up in the air before bouncy back into place. (urge for lewd and obvious comparison becoming stronger) So we decided to go for a ride. (MUST…RESIST…)
Taking turns, one of us would straddle the huge limb (okay, I’m just gonna forego anymore tree descriptions. This is turning into 50 Shades) holding on for dear life, whilst the other three would first pull and then release it.
Soaring through the air like an magisterial awkwardly screaming bird of prey was an exhilarating experience and despite seeing my life flash before my eyes a few times and whimpering my mama’s name, it was wondrous. Also, I may have peed myself a little.
Still, it’s a moment in time that I will never forget and a testimony to the wonders of Nature.

But that was a long time ago. Since then, Nature has abandoned me and taken up with a group of bullies who are intent on making my life a misery The chief ringleaders?
Fibromyalgia and Allergy.


6 thoughts on “Nature Is A Bitch. Part 1

  1. Smiling at your descriptions. Sounds like fun that bouncy tree, although I would never have been brave enough to get on it.
    Kick the bullies in the gonads and turn your back on them and look out the window, nature is still out there somewhere and she will show herself eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I may have still been under the influence of mediation, because normally, I would never have dared braved that tree.
      Not only will I kick the bullies in the gonands, but I will punch em in the face and pull off their eyelids…er…I may have some anger issues…
      Thanks Claudette. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lily, I love the story about how you and your friends found the spectacular bouncy tree, even though that old forest may have had bodies buried (“twat-waffles” LOL I’d never heard that expression before!). What pure fun that must have been and a special, magical memory. It really is a testimony to the wonders of Nature. When we go through times of serious illness, depression, or loss, it’s the positive memories that sustain us.

    Nature can be a bitch especially when Nature teams up with the bullies of fibro and allergy making life miserable for you 😦 (Another case of Nature being a bitch is poison ivy!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, poison ivy is a huge bitch! I still have a huge branch from that tree hung above one of the windows in the living room. It was a magical day and the bouncy tree was truly an amazing experience. It is positive memories like that that make me remember that life with a serious illness isn’t all bad.
      That particular forest is well known and has even been featured on ‘Paranormal Investigation’ and ‘Most Haunted,’ but it is so beautiful and peaceful…despite all the dead bodies buried underneath. And ‘twat-waffle’ is a wonderful Brit insult. If there’s one thing that the Brits do well, it’s being foul mouthed. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I wanna’ go to the bouncy tree!! Or maybe I just want to know where it is in case I run out of places to hide bodies on this side of the pond. 😉 – If humor were a medicine you would be the healthiest woman on the planet. – Hugs to you..


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