The Flu Who Stole Christmas.

Chronic illness is often likened to suffering from the flu 24 hours a day. So imagine having multiple chronic illnesses, plus the actual flu thrown on top, along with a dose of environmental allergies and a flare of TMJ.
Week 3 and I’m having to sleep with my head at an incline. This is to stop my inner organs from shooting out of my mouth and hitting the TV opposite whenever I am beset by a series of dry hacking coughs…which is often. Still, sleeping upright like an animated corpse, does seem to work. I now average a bout of violent coughing at maybe 3 bouts every 10 minutes, whereas if I were to lie down like a normal human being, a bout of OH MY GOD, THERE’S A DEMON SCRAPPING AWAY AT MY THROAT AND ANOTHER ABOUT TO BURST FORTH FROM MY RIBS, cough, usually occurs every few seconds.


I did try to sleep in the prone position last night but was suddenly seized by a coughing fit so violent, that I thought my lungs were about to exit via my arse! I don’t think there’s ever been a time where my ribs have hurt both horizontally and vertically, or where my boobs have come together in such a calamitous collision as to cause a small tidal wave off the coast of Scotland whenever said coughing fit is underway.
Then there’s the mouth, an alimentary canal which is so dry, ancient Egyptians are still constructing Pyramids in my larynx. But don’t worry, the near constant postnasal drip of mucous, is providing a counterbalance to the arid conditions.


And let’s not talk about the gunk that is currently clogging up my ears, (I fear it may be alien in nature) or the mountains of tissues breeding new life forms and hoarded under my pillow. Like Golem getting all protective about his ring, those crumpled pieces of snot papers have also become “MY PRECIOUSES!” For some reason, I derive some form of comfort from having them around…also, I can’t be bothered to get up and deposit them in the bin. But the worst thing has got to be the sinus infection. Every area of my face from my eyes and cheeks to my teeth and jaw, hurts and there have, I admit, been moments where I have contemplated ripping my face off in order to rub some numbing cream onto the infected sinews, muscles and tissues.


Oh and I almost forgot the little men with pickaxes hammering a tunnel to my head by way of my nasal cavities, or the fact that every sodding thing I eat or drink, have taken up issue with their current place of abode, (my stomach) and are continually choosing to evict themselves via either my backdoor belly button or my face-hole…or both…at the same time. So yep, to say this Christmas has been memorable, would be an understatement in the extreme. Next stop, allergy season. I can’t wait!